Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Double-Edged Sword

Well I guess I will start with a something I have been contemplating for a while, God and how big is he? and how are Christians suppose to really live? Is there more than one way to God? I have to be honest, I am tired of hearing the same Christian lingo amongst so many people around here. I am in college, and when I leave in May, hopefully I will hear much less of it.
Anyways, I am more open to learning about people's religions or beliefs than I ever have before. I see God everywhere, even in other religions. I see Him in "non-believers"...(don't like that term...everyone believes in something, and we are all searching for peace, WE AREN' SO DIFFERENT!), I see Him in broken every-day people professing to be Christian or not. As I hear people out, I have questioned so much of what I believe. I read some books that were eye-opening to me. I do not think it is okay to write off so many other perspectives, and that is what the MAJORITY of all people do. I have done the same for years, and now I am just struggling to learn and understand people better. Now, every book or belief I have heard Christians ignore or trash in some way, I have chosen to learn about myself...doesn't mean I follow it, just means I'm trying to hear people out, afterall, we are all searching. People's beliefs and questions are in everything they do. They are in the way they treat people, what they sing about, what they write about, who they hang out with, where they choose to live...so many factors.
I know what is personal to me, as everyone does. I know my experiences. I know what I have failed in. I know what I have felt pain in. I know what I love or at least I think so (: I know what I never want to go back to or at least I think so ): I have felt. The past few months I questioned so much, I could barely sleep. I just thought and thought. It was great at first, but then I began to be more internal (didn't talk about it at all), and then I began getting shorter with people. I didn't like feeling that unstable. I had been so confident and free the few months before that (at least for the most part), and I didn't question Jesus in my life. But during that time, I just put him on hold, not denying but not embracing. I was searching, and I still am. I realized in that time, that I can be a good person, nice and friendly, but the difference between me being personal with Jesus and putting him on hold was that I had something to give people who needed Him or I didn't. Maybe others who do not profess Jesus, have found a peace to give to others they believe in with all they have. I think some have. But for me, I realized I could keep hanging out with the kids from the projects but without acknowledging Jesus's presence, I was just another nice person in their life who does good things that only lasts a little bit. People are temporary. Everything is. Its scary to think I could never have impact. Maybe I could make a big change, but even still, I want more for the people in my life, especially the kids. I want to give them a hope for their life in every area. Most of them have nothing. I don't want them to just copy me and be a good person one day. I want them to learn to find confidence in themselves, embracing their talents, and who they are so they can make a difference in all different ways. I want them to find their Source, who I believe in Jesus. I also felt myself becoming slowly numb over those months, now I am only regaining some of my footing. I talked to a good friend who is hurting very bad right now. She said "Numbness is a double-edged sword." Its true. It's great when you don't want to face the pain, but at the same time we loose contact with reality and true humility, which leads to real love. Have you ever been around really nice people who you can't find fault with, but something is just irky about them? I think people can become like that when they know how to show self-control over their emotions on the outside, and really they are just trying everyday to upkeep that image. Numbness, they live by it. It creeps me out, because it's like they are trustworthy people, but really underneath there is a lack of genuineness because they just care about themselves. Anyone could become like that. I would probably become a really angry version of that person if I stopped caring about people. I think the two best ways to fight becoming that way is to GIVE where it hurts and to be honest and open about your feelings and struggles with people who are CONSISTANT in your life. I say that because they know you well enough to keep you in check. Love the song, "Weight of Lies," by Avett Brothers:

"Disappear from you hometown
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all you good parts
Leave town when bad ones start to show
Go and wed a woman
A pretty girl that you've never met
Make sure she knows you love her well
But don't make any other promises

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town
Cause nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from
Cause lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you anywhere

I once heard the worse thing
A man could do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name, pride, and confidence
But leaving out his doubt
I'm not sure I bought those words
When I was young I knew most everything
These words have never met so much to anyone
As they now mean to me

The weight of lies will bring you down
And follow you to every town
Cause nothing happens here that doesn't happen there
So when you run make sure you run
To something and not away from
Cause lies don't need an aeroplane to chase you down"

I think this song boils down to one thing: Own up to your actions. That's the start of becoming a Woman or a Man...whichever gender you are. Choose reality/pain before numbness, because numbness will haunt you. People can shake you. They can hurt you bad too. But be real before them anyways. Realness is scary to Numbness. I make too many mistakes sometimes, and its embarrassing but it can't end there, depression stinks. No way Jose, remember why you're cool and love people harder. Much easier said than done. I currently feel some bitterness towards a few people and its been there for a while. I dont want to carry it, it kills my joy and gives me wrinkles. There are incredible people all around me in this coffee shop. I don't know them, but I bet if I sat down I would find incredible qualities in all of them, I just have to tune in. I can't do that if I have chosen numbness, because numbness only hears itself. And it sounds like...